I’m mostly trying to keep myself busy so I don’t drown in my own self pity. If I ramble and don’t make much sense, I apologize in advance.
I don’t know what is going on but I’m slipping again. It’s even harder to get out of bed every day and I sit here counting down the time to when the kids or hubby gets home so I won’t be alone anymore. Then when I am not alone, I find myself missing the quiet. Noise all runs together. Have you ever watched the new HBO series, True Blood? The girl, Sookie, who can hear people’s thoughts? You know how it sounds like a big jumbled mess and is hard to understand? That’s exactly how I feel at times.
I thought I was doing good because I am not hallucinating anymore and the voices in my head are just a small whisper now. I just can’t shake the feeling of utter desperation and despair. I can’t keep my head in anything and I have no interest in absolutely anything. I’ve been taking my meds…well half the dose. The full dose makes me nauseous and I cannot concentrate on anything and feel like the stupidest person alive.
And people….I just cannot take people right now. I get annoyed at every little thing. My biggest pet peeve is people being stupid. I know several people with problems a lot less severe than mine and they make the stupidest decisions. It’s accountability, I believe. They all have someone to bail them out when they have a problem. People, listen to me. I may be crazy but this I do know. If someone isn’t going to come running to solve all of your problems, you learn to stop getting in trouble and how to handle things on your own. When you do a mentally ill person this way, you’re not helping them at all. You’re making them worse. We all have to learn to be accountable for our own actions. There is also a big difference between what is life threatening and important enough to need help and petty problems you bring on yourself and expect others to take care of. Make them handle it themselves…see how fast it quits happening.
I’ve got to quit pointing fingers now. If you need help, it’s different. If I come to you and say I need help, it means I am suicidal and need help to save my life. Anything else I will deal with on my own. Anything less I can handle alone. People don’t get this way without having to do it on their own. You’d be surprised what a person can do on their own when you let them.
My rant is over. I’m back to my pity party but you won’t see me asking for help until I mean to take my own life…and then I only ask once.
