Archive for March, 2008
{ March 28, 2008 @ 7:02 pm }
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{ Tags: 4, 7, a, after, always, am, and, answering, asks, because, calls, Can, do, doing, favor, five, for, from, get, hearing, hey, how, I, in, is, Lovely, me, meds, missed, mom, My, nephew, Never, night, No, of, old, or, phone, same, Saturday, sleep, sleeping, The, thing, tired, to, Tomorrow, watch, ya, year, you }
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Tomorrow is Saturday. My mom calls and asks me to watch my five year old nephew from 4 AM to 7 AM. No sleeping in for me after a night of no sleep because of missed meds. Lovely. I get tired of answering the phone and hearing the same thing. Never “hey” or “how ya doing”. Always, “Can you do me a favor?”
{ March 28, 2008 @ 4:50 pm }
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{ Tags: a, all, already, am, and, at, be, crying, day, definitely, do, down, established, feel, for, happens, I, I'm, in, it's, just, know, Last, like, living, loud, med, missed, mood, My, Never, now, Ok, out, over, really, same, screwed, sentence, that, The, this, three, Time, times, to, type, typed, up, waiting, We've, weird, what, with, word, wrong, ya }
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We’ve already established that I missed my med. Now I feel like I’m up and down at the same time. Ok….I am definitely all screwed up. I typed the wrong word three times in the last sentence and that never happens. For crying out loud, I type all the time. It’s what I do for a living, ya know?
I’m in a really weird mood and I am just waiting for this day to be over with.
{ March 28, 2008 @ 4:45 pm }
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{ Tags: 9, am, and, at, away, better, but, Can, can't, constantly, could, crawling, day, deal, didn't, do, don't, feel, feels, gets, go, god, have, he, hold, home, hours, hubby, I, I'm, if, is, isn't, it, just, keep, knocks, Knowing, like, mad, make, me, med, medicine, mind, morning, My, night, not, occupied, out, probably, rambling, realized, right, seems, skin, so, something, take, Thank, that, The, Then, this, to, today, until, up, wait, which, why, with, without, woke, working }
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I woke up this morning and realized right away that I didn’t take my medicine. Knowing that the med knocks me out (which is why I take it at night) I could not take it so I have to deal with the day without it. My skin feels like it is crawling and I have to have something to do constantly so I don’t go mad. I have to keep my mind occupied so if it seems like I’m rambling then I probably am. Thank god hubby isn’t working but 9 hours today.
I can’t wait until he gets home so he can just hold me and make me feel better.
{ March 27, 2008 @ 7:39 pm }
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{ Tags: a, and, any, April, as, be, been, bill, boss, but, can't, coming, could, days, do, don't, DVD, even, feeling, finish, for, from, G, glum, happened, has, have, he, him, I, I'll, I'm, I've, if, is, it, it's, just, know, long, me, month, My, myself, not, of, off, on, one, or, our, out, over, pictures, putting, quite, really, right, seem, snippy, so, something, songs, that, The, thing, those, to, today, together, trivial, vacation, videos, Well, will, working, worry, write, you, zoned }
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I’m just really zoned out today. It’s been a long one and it’s not that any thing has really happened, it’s just one of those days.
I’ve been working on putting together a DVD from our vacation pictures and videos and the songs just don’t seem quite right but I can’t worry myself over something so trivial. It will just have to do.
G is ill and not feeling well today so he is coming off as snippy. You know, I really don’t know if it is him or me. It could just be me. I’m so glum that I can’t even write. I’m off to bill my boss for the month of April and finish my videos.
{ March 26, 2008 @ 6:01 pm }
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{ Tags: $10, $8, 000, 1, 300, a, about, Add new tag, afford, again, aggravated, all, already, Alright, am, amount, an, and, answered, any, appointment, are, arrest, as, ask, assault, at, attack, attempted, away, back, bad, basically, be, because, been, before, being, best, better, between, bipolar, book, Bredesen, bridge, burial, but, calls, Can, can't, cannot, care, caught, charged, charges, circumstances, coaster, coffee, coma, common, convicted, conviction, copy, cost, could, crazy, dad, dad's, daddy's, daily, Darn, day, days, dealing, December, deserve, didn't, died, disease, disorder, do, Doc, doctor, does, doesn't, don't, done, dose, down, dropped, drove, Each, else, email, ends, enough, episode, even, Eventually, everything's, features, feel, felons, figure, fine, fixed, for, found, freak, friend, from, fucking, get, gets, getting, going, gone, gonna, good, got, Governor, granddaughter, great, grind, guess, guess I, gum, had, hadn't, hallucinate, hallucinations, has, have, having, he, head, hear, hearing, heart, help, her, herself, him, his, hit, home, homicidal, hour, house, how, hubby, I, I'll, I'm, if, in, increase, infant, insurance, into, is, issue, it, it's, jail, just, keep, keeps, kids, kill, know, knows, laptop, later, leaving, let, letter, life, light, list, live, looking, lose, love, Lovely, mail, make, man, Maybe, me, mean, means, med, memory, mind, missed, molesting, mom, money, month, mug, murder, My, myself, name, nearly, need, Never, next, nice, niece, night, No, nobody, not, not a, now, occur, of, Oh, old, on, only, or, originally, our, out, pardon, part, passed, past, pay, payment, periodontist, pick, plan, plead, pocket, point, post, prescription, pretty, probably, probation, psychotic, really, reconnecting, redraft, refill, release, reminds, removed, resend, revealed, rid, right, roller, say, says, school, see, seeking, seem, She, She's, simply, sister, sit, sleep, so, some, song, still, stress, stupid, suicidal, Surely, surrounding, swear, Symbyax, taken, teeth, tell, terminally, test, that, that's, The, Then, There, they, thing, think, this, three, through, Time, to, today, told, treatment, trip, truck, trying, two, typing, uglier, ugly, up, upped, vary, voices, was, We, went, were, what, when, which, Who, Whoopdeedoo, will, with, worse, would, year, years, Yesterday, yet, you }
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The good…
I had a great trip. I think the best part was reconnecting with an old friend.
The bad…
Just being home again and being back to the daily grind of just getting through each day.
The ugly…
I found out my hallucinations are not a thing of the past. I would say I need my dose upped some but the prescription is $300 a month and I will have to pay that out of pocket for the next refill because we’re into the bridge on our insurance. I guess I am looking at going back on the med roller coaster. Who knows? My appointment was yesterday but I missed it because we had to pick up the truck.
The even uglier…
My trip to the periodontist revealed that to get my teeth fixed will cost between $8,000 and $10,000. Mind you, that’s money I don’t have. Oh they have a nice payment plan but I am still trying to figure out how to get daddy’s burial taken care of. So what does it mean for me? Eventually I will lose my teeth to gum disease because I simply cannot afford the treatment to get rid of it. As if I didn’t just love myself enough already…
I swear, if my life gets any better I’ll have to kill myself to live with it. Before you freak out, I’m not suicidal at this point. I have told my doctor about my hallucinations and I am seeking help…again. Yet again. It never ends.
Let me say at this point that Symbyax is great. I would probably do just fine with a dose increase. The only issue I have is my hallucinations have not gone away. Doc says it’s a “psychotic episode” and it’s pretty common when dealing with the amount of stress I have. The issue is that I don’t just have bipolar disorder. I have bipolar 1 disorder with psychotic features. Psychotic features basically means I hallucinate and hear voices. My hallucinations vary from homicidal to suicidal and even occur when I feel I am having a good time. Maybe I am just crazy. I really don’t know.
Then again, this year just keeps getting worse and worse. It just doesn’t seem to let up. I keep hearing this stupid song in my head…..”If we make it through December, everything’s gonna be alright”. Surely next year can’t be any worse. I just don’t see how it could…but then again.
As I sit typing this post, hubby calls to tell me my mom is having a stress test done right now and nobody went with her. If the kids hadn’t been out of school I would have went. She’s been up all night with no sleep and drove herself an hour away. Lovely. Just fucking lovely.
I got a nice book in the mail in memory of my dad today. Which reminds me that Governor Bredesen still has not answered my letter. I guess I need to resend it. What letter, you ask? My dad was originally charged with attempted murder but plead down to aggravated assault for trying to kill the man he caught molesting his granddaughter (my niece).(He hit the man in the back of the head with a coffee mug, leaving him in a coma for three days.) He died on probation for it. The man was caught molesting a three month old infant two years later and charges were later dropped because he had a heart attack. Whoopdeedoo. My dad was terminally ill and nearly died in jail before they would release him to house arrest. He was still on probation when he passed away. In light of the circumstances surrounding my dad’s conviction, I am trying to get Governor Bredesen to pardon him so his name can be removed from the convicted felons list. He doesn’t deserve to be there.
Darn it all. The email was on my old laptop. I’ll have to email my sister and see if she still has a copy of it or else I will have to redraft it.
{ March 20, 2008 @ 4:32 pm }
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{ Tags: abuse, already, also, and, arrived, bad, be, before, being, beyond, blog, but, by, Can, catch, child, comes, considered, cooped, could, day, did, didn't, do, emotions, enjoy, episode, every, excited, field, fighting, finally, five, for, four, gagging, get, getting, go, gotten, had, has, have, helps, hours, I, I'm, if, in, innermost, intention, invited, is, it, it's, joking, just, keep, kids, Knowing, Last, Maybe, me, might, mind, more, My, needed, not, of, on, one, only, out, person, picked, point, probably, quickly, read, realize, really, sane, say, snuck, so, someone, somewhere, Soooo, started, suicide, that, that's, The, them, they, They're, think, this, thought, thoughts, Time, to, too, torture, town, trust, up, usually, want, was, way, We, Well, where, which, While, why, with, wondering, work, would, writing, writings, you }
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The day has finally arrived. I’m getting out of town.
I would be more excited but my kids have already started fighting. They do this every time we go somewhere. The thought of being cooped up with this for four to five hours is torture. Do you think gagging them would be considered child abuse? (I’m joking, by the way.)
I also want to say this….
I invited one person to read my blog. Just one. They’re probably wondering why. Well, writing helps keep me sane. It’s the only way I can get my emotions out. I enjoy writing which is why I work in the field. But beyond that, this last episode snuck up on me so quickly that I didn’t realize I had gotten to the point to where suicide was my intention. While I might not catch it, it usually comes out in my writings. Soooo…I needed someone I could really trust and someone I didn’t mind knowing my innermost thoughts. That’s why I picked the person I did. I trust you and if I get too bad, maybe you can catch it before I do.
{ March 18, 2008 @ 9:18 pm }
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{ Tags: a, been, called, Clarence, day, died, has, long, Mike, My, this, uncle }
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This has been a long day. Uncle Mike called. My uncle Clarence died.
{ March 18, 2008 @ 8:50 pm }
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{ Tags: a, all, and, been, blown, day, fucking, have, just, lot, Lovely, of, off, roof, shingles, The, up, winds }
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The winds have been up all day….and blown a lot of shingles off the roof. Lovely. Just fucking lovely.
{ March 18, 2008 @ 8:13 pm }
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{ Tags: admit, all, am, and, anymore, anything, at, awhile, be, bear, Bullshit, but, Can, damned, deal, do, don't, downward, else, endure, every, Explain, for, get, give, god, grief, hard, have, having, heard, here, how, hurry, I, I've, is, it, it's, just, keep, kids, know, ladder, like, make, me, mind, minutes, more, much, must, My, myself, need, occupied, off, on, one, people, piled, Please, pushes, put, rung, say, seems, shoulders, so, something, spiraling, still, suicide, ten, than, that, The, Then, There, thing, things, thrown, Time, to, together, too, torment, trying, up, what, why, will, with, won't, you }
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I give. I admit it. I am still spiraling downward. It seems like every time I get up one rung on the ladder, something pushes me off the damned thing. I am trying so hard to get myself together but I just keep having things thrown at me and I don’t know how to deal with it all. It’s just too much. Why must I endure so much grief and torment?
What to do? What to do?
Is there anything else that can be piled on my shoulders? I’ve heard people say god won’t put anymore on you than you can bear. Bullshit. Explain why there is still suicide then.
I just need to make it ten more minutes and the kids will be here and then I will have my mind occupied for awhile. Please hurry up.
{ March 18, 2008 @ 8:07 pm }
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{ Tags: a hold on me so dull it kills, a touch so plain, All waiting for the rain., am, And nowhere glows but drearily and tired, And nowhere shines but desolate and drab, as, Bet, can't, Entangle me, guess, how you used to be slow drowned, I, I breathe in dirt, I deteriorate, I live in dirt, I suffocate., I'm, I've been living so long with my pictures of you that I, I've been looking so long at these pictures of you that, If only I'd thought of the right words I could have hel, ignore, In hopelessness and prayers for rain., Infectious sense of hopelessness and prayers for rain., is, it, just, listening, Looking so long at these pictures of you but I never ho, lost in the cold. You were always so lost in the dark., me, mind, My, occupy, of, pictures, Prayers for Rain, Remembering you, Remembering you falling into my arms crying for the dea, Remembering you standing quiet in the rain as I ran to, screamed at the stars and you finally found all your co, so, so delicate, so stale it kills., The hours all spent on killing time again, There was nothing in the world that I ever wanted more, to, trying, usual, wandering, what, you, You fracture me, You shatter me, You stifle me, You strangle me, you were angels so much more than everything. Oh hold f, Your grip on me, Your hands on me }
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My mind is just wandering so I am trying to occupy it. Just ignore me, as usual. Bet you can’t guess what I’m listening to…
Pictures of You
I’ve been looking so long at these pictures of you that I almost believe that they’re real.
I’ve been living so long with my pictures of you that I almost believe that the pictures are all I can feel.
Remembering you standing quiet in the rain as I ran to your heart to be near and we kissed as the sky fell in holding you close. How I always held close in your fear. Remembering you running soft through the night. You were bigger and brighter and whiter than snow. Screamed at the make believe, screamed at the stars and you finally found all your courage to let it all go.
Remembering you falling into my arms crying for the death of your heart. You were stone white, so delicate, lost in the cold. You were always so lost in the dark.
Remembering you, how you used to be slow drowned, you were angels so much more than everything. Oh hold for the last time then slip away quietly. Open my eyes but I never see anything.
If only I’d thought of the right words I could have held on to your heart. If only I’d thought of the right words I wouldn’t be breaking apart all my pictures of you.
Looking so long at these pictures of you but I never hold onto your heart. Looking so long for these words to be true but always just breaking apart my pictures of you.
There was nothing in the world that I ever wanted more than to feel you deep in my heart. There was nothing in the world that I ever wanted more than to never feel the breaking apart all my pictures of you.
Prayers for Rain
You shatter me
Your grip on me
a hold on me so dull it kills
You stifle me
Infectious sense of hopelessness and prayers for rain.
I suffocate.
I breathe in dirt,
And nowhere shines but desolate and drab
The hours all spent on killing time again
All waiting for the rain.
You fracture me,
Your hands on me,
a touch so plain, so stale it kills.
You strangle me,
Entangle me
In hopelessness and prayers for rain.
I deteriorate.
I live in dirt
And nowhere glows but drearily and tired
The hours all spent on killing time again
All waiting for the rain.
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