Archive for Uncategorized
{ October 24, 2008 @ 2:42 pm }
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I’m mostly trying to keep myself busy so I don’t drown in my own self pity. If I ramble and don’t make much sense, I apologize in advance.
I don’t know what is going on but I’m slipping again. It’s even harder to get out of bed every day and I sit here counting down the time to when the kids or hubby gets home so I won’t be alone anymore. Then when I am not alone, I find myself missing the quiet. Noise all runs together. Have you ever watched the new HBO series, True Blood? The girl, Sookie, who can hear people’s thoughts? You know how it sounds like a big jumbled mess and is hard to understand? That’s exactly how I feel at times.
I thought I was doing good because I am not hallucinating anymore and the voices in my head are just a small whisper now. I just can’t shake the feeling of utter desperation and despair. I can’t keep my head in anything and I have no interest in absolutely anything. I’ve been taking my meds…well half the dose. The full dose makes me nauseous and I cannot concentrate on anything and feel like the stupidest person alive.
And people….I just cannot take people right now. I get annoyed at every little thing. My biggest pet peeve is people being stupid. I know several people with problems a lot less severe than mine and they make the stupidest decisions. It’s accountability, I believe. They all have someone to bail them out when they have a problem. People, listen to me. I may be crazy but this I do know. If someone isn’t going to come running to solve all of your problems, you learn to stop getting in trouble and how to handle things on your own. When you do a mentally ill person this way, you’re not helping them at all. You’re making them worse. We all have to learn to be accountable for our own actions. There is also a big difference between what is life threatening and important enough to need help and petty problems you bring on yourself and expect others to take care of. Make them handle it themselves…see how fast it quits happening.
I’ve got to quit pointing fingers now. If you need help, it’s different. If I come to you and say I need help, it means I am suicidal and need help to save my life. Anything else I will deal with on my own. Anything less I can handle alone. People don’t get this way without having to do it on their own. You’d be surprised what a person can do on their own when you let them.
My rant is over. I’m back to my pity party but you won’t see me asking for help until I mean to take my own life…and then I only ask once.
{ May 7, 2008 @ 12:56 pm }
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{ Tags: a, and, because, boat, bonfire, cancel, couldn't, don't, Everything, Friday, go, good, had, have, him, hospital, hubby, I, in, it, like, mean, My, offshore, planned, races, Saturday, seemed, spent, tell, that, The, they, to, upset, us, was, way, We, what, with, worried, wrong }
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And I don’t mean it in a good way.
My hubby spent Friday and Saturday in the hospital. We had planned to have a bonfire and go to the offshore boat races. Hubby was worried that I was upset because we had to cancel everything. I was upset because it seemed like they couldn’t tell us what was wrong with him.
{ April 28, 2008 @ 11:52 am }
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{ Tags: because, begged, better, bronchial, evening, feeling, from, go, goodness, has, he, He's, his, hospital, morning, much, negative, now, pneumonia, released, school, sepsis, Sunday, test, Thank, The, this, though, to, was }
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He was released from the hospital Sunday evening. His sepsis test was negative, thank goodness. He now has bronchial pneumonia. He’s feeling much better though because he begged to go to school this morning.
{ April 26, 2008 @ 11:23 am }
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{ Tags: $8, 000, 9, a, acute, and, another, asked, back, bad, be, better, blood, bonfire, bronchitis, cell, come, comes, count, dehydration, down, family, feel, for, gastritis, get, gets, going, good, has, have, having, he, her, him, his, hospitalized, I, I'm, if, is, it, just, little, morning, My, negative, nephew, old, parents, poor, possible, released, Results, sepsis, severe, sign, sister-in-law, so, supposed, test, The, to, Tomorrow, tonight, was, were, when, which, white, will, year, Yesterday }
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My 9 year old nephew was hospitalized yesterday morning. He has bronchitis, severe dehydration, acute gastritis and possible sepsis. The sepsis test results will be back tomorrow and if it comes back negative he will be released. His white blood cell count is down to 8,000 which is a good sign.
We’re having a bonfire tonight and my sister-in-law and her family were supposed to come down. My poor little nephew asked his parents yesterday if he was going to get to come to the bonfire. I feel so bad for him. When he gets better, I’m going to have another bonfire just for him.
{ April 22, 2008 @ 9:48 am }
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{ Tags: 6, 7, a, about, afraid, all, always, and, around, asked, away, bad, because, beside, chair, could, couldn't, crawled, crept, daddy, dark, disappeared, down, dream, ever, father, favorite, found, frightened, from, go, hallway, having, he, hero, him, his, I, in, into, is, kitchen, lamp, lap, lava, lie, light, little, me, memories, moment, My, nightmare, of, old, one, only, or, out, owls, pain, reach, reached, rocker, rocking, sat, see, sleep, so, spot, still, terrified, that, The, them, they, to, told, too, touch, touched, up, usual, was, when, with, woke, would, years, you }
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One of my favorite memories of my father is from when I was about 6 or 7 years old.
I woke up from having a nightmare about owls and I could still see them all around me. I was terrified so I crept down the hallway and found my father in his usual spot — in his rocking chair in the kitchen. He couldn’t sleep because of his pain so he always sat in his rocker in the dark with only the light from the lava lamp beside him.
I crawled into his lap and told him about my bad dream and all the little owls all around me. He told me to reach out and touch them and they would go away. I was too afraid. He asked me, “Would daddy ever lie to you?” Still frightened, I reached out and touched one and they all disappeared.
In that moment, he was my hero.
{ April 22, 2008 @ 9:17 am }
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{ Tags: $500, a, abilify, added, advise, again, almost, amitriptyline, and, away, before, both, but, changed, cold, conceiving, could, daughter, decision, depression, do, doctor, doing, Each, eat, Effexor, Elavil, end, ended, episode, few, for, had, hallucinate, hallucinating, hallucinations, hardly, have, hours, I, issues, it, just, Last, later, Let's, list, lithium, made, me, medications, months, My, nauseated, nightmares, not, of, on, or, other, over, Paxil, prescription, quit, right, second, shall, sleep, so, start, started, still, Symbyax, taken, that, The, them, Then, these, this, thrilled, to, took, Trazodone, turkey, up, vomit, wanted, was, We, week, Wellbutrin, what, when, which, with, within, working, Xanax, years, youngest, Zoloft }
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What medications have I taken over the years? Let’s list them, shall we?
I started with Zoloft. Zoloft made me hallucinate and have nightmares. I was changed to Elavil or amitriptyline which made me vomit for hours on end. Then I ended up on Paxil. I quit cold turkey (which I do not advise) just a few months before conceiving my youngest daughter.
When I had my second episode, I ended up on Effexor. Months later, Wellbutrin was added to that. I quit both of these cold turkey within a week of each other (Again, I do not advise doing this and my doctor was not thrilled with my decision.) and was so nauseated that I could hardly eat.
With my last episode, I started on Symbyax. Then Xanax was added so I could sleep. I was still hallucinating so the doctor wanted to start me on Abilify, but it was almost $500 for the prescription so I was changed to Lithium. Lithium took away the hallucinations right away and started working on the depression. I have sleep issues still so the doctor added Trazodone.
So…
Zoloft
Elavil
Paxil
Effexor
Wellbutrin
Symbyax
Zanax
Lithium
Trazodone
{ April 21, 2008 @ 1:00 pm }
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{ Tags: a, afternoon, am, and, anybody, around, at, barbecued, been, camper, campers, change, cleaned, couple, dealer, Everything, field, Friday, had, has, have, house, I, in, it, killer, like, lithium, looked, mowed, of, on, planted, radishes, Saturday, smoked, sprayed, Sunday, taking, taste, tastes, The, tilled, tired, to, today, up, We, weed, went, you }
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To anybody taking lithium…have you had a change in taste? Everything tastes like it has been smoked.
Friday afternoon we went to a camper dealer and looked at a couple of campers. On Saturday, we mowed the field and cleaned up around the house. On Sunday, we tilled, planted radishes, sprayed weed killer around the house and barbecued.
Today, I am tired.
{ April 18, 2008 @ 10:45 am }
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{ Tags: a, always, and, away, Carol, ex girlfriend, father's, good, lady, Last, My, night, passed, She, sweet, to, us, very, was }
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Last night my father’s ex girlfriend, Carol, passed away. She was a very sweet lady and was always good to us.
{ April 17, 2008 @ 10:20 am }
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{ Tags: about, and, anyone, are, arrogant, as, aunt, be, because, been, buying, called, can't, do, Everyone, for, gets, happy, has, hate, her, his, how, husband, I, I'll, informed, it's, jealous, just, me, money, mother, My, nerves, on, people, petty, ranting, selfish, She, spends, stand, talking, tell, that, to, today, uncle, vehicles, Well, why, wonders, you }
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Everyone wonders why I hate people. Well, it’s because people are petty, arrogant, selfish and jealous. My uncle called me today and informed me that my mother gets on his nerves talking about people. She has been talking about how my aunt spends money and ranting about my husband and I buying vehicles. Why can’t she just be happy for everyone? I’ll tell you why. It’s because she can’t stand for anyone to do as well as her.
My mind keeps wandering. I can’t sit still and type.
{ April 10, 2008 @ 1:25 pm }
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{ Tags: a, across, and, are, back, bad, battery, been, before, Boo, both, but, by, camera, chance, charger, Chicago, come, coming, crazy, do, find, for, get, going, have, head, here, home, hope, I, I'm, I'm just rambling today because I am about to crawl out, in, is, it, line, mind, moving, My, new, occupy, of, over, pass, sister-in-law, so, something, storms, succeed, sure, The, they, think, to, today, tonight, trying, Unfortunately, use, won't, Yay, yet }
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The charger and battery for my new camera have both come in. Yay!
Unfortunately, storms are moving in so I won’t get a chance to use it today. Boo! Boo!
My sister-in-law is in Chicago and a bad line of storms is moving across. I think they are coming back tonight so I sure hope the storms pass by before they head back home.
I’m just rambling today because I am about to crawl out of my skin. I have been trying to find something to do to occupy my mind but have yet to succeed. I’m going crazy over here!
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