Posts Tagged ‘all’
{ April 22, 2008 @ 9:48 am }
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{ Tags: sleep, I, because, and, My, me, that, his, about, you, to, The, in, so, a, is, bad, of, they, was, too, out, around, or, all, with, when, always, he, still, having, go, see, would, told, them, him, from, years, up, only, down, ever, one, away, little, couldn't, old, 7, woke, could, found, into, light, usual, favorite, memories, father, 6, nightmare, owls, terrified, crept, hallway, spot, rocking, chair, kitchen, pain, sat, rocker, dark, lava, lamp, beside, crawled, lap, dream, reach, touch, afraid, asked, daddy, lie, frightened, reached, touched, disappeared, moment, hero }
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One of my favorite memories of my father is from when I was about 6 or 7 years old.
I woke up from having a nightmare about owls and I could still see them all around me. I was terrified so I crept down the hallway and found my father in his usual spot — in his rocking chair in the kitchen. He couldn’t sleep because of his pain so he always sat in his rocker in the dark with only the light from the lava lamp beside him.
I crawled into his lap and told him about my bad dream and all the little owls all around me. He told me to reach out and touch them and they would go away. I was too afraid. He asked me, “Would daddy ever lie to you?” Still frightened, I reached out and touched one and they all disappeared.
In that moment, he was my hero.
{ April 9, 2008 @ 3:10 pm }
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{ Tags: 300, a, abilify, about, all, always, am, and, answer, around, asks, at, be, been, brain, but, by, calls, capable, care, changed, children, ct, ct scan, daughter, day, didn't, do, does, don't, dose, doubled, expensive, family, for, Friday, friend, get, going, good, had, has, he, health, help, her, here, hubby, husband, I, is, issues, keep, Last, let, like, lithium, may, me, medical, mental, mg., Monday, morning, mother, My, need, not, now, of, oldest, on, or, ourselves, out, people, perfectly, phone, prescription, proceeds, Results, right, rule, scan, She, so, stop, Symbyax, take, taking, tell, that, The, Then, There, they, things, times, to, too, trying, Tuesday, tumor, twice, was, way, were, what, when, which, with, work }
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Last Friday they doubled my dose of Symbyax. Then on Monday they changed me to Abilify which was way too expensive so they changed my prescription to 300 mg. of lithium twice a day. On Tuesday morning I had a ct scan to rule out a brain tumor. (Results were good, by the way.) I don’t like to tell people around me about my medical or mental issues so I didn’t answer the phone all day. So what does my mother do? She calls my friend at work and asks her what is going on with me and then proceeds to tell her that she has been trying to get me to let her keep my oldest daughter to “help me out”.
What I need right now is for my family to stop trying to “help” and let my hubby and I take care of things ourselves. There may be times when I am not all here but my husband always is and he is perfectly capable of taking care of me and the children.
{ April 3, 2008 @ 5:46 pm }
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{ Tags: all, and, any, back, be, bed, bedtime, better, by, coming, creeps, day, do, doesn't, don't, down, end, ever, every, find, forward, get, go, hard, I, if, in, is, it, it's, just, keep, keeps, know, look, make, Maybe, morning, nice, on, only, outside, rain, seem, something, spend, still, that, The, thing, things, through, Time, to, trudging, trying, up, want, was, when, will, would }
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I still get up in the morning and just want to go back to bed. I spend all day trying to find something to do to make the time go by and it just creeps on. The only thing I look forward to is bedtime. It just doesn’t seem to get any better.
And the rain just keeps coming down…
Maybe things would be better if it was nice outside. I don’t know. I just know that it’s hard to keep trudging through every day. When will it ever end?
{ April 1, 2008 @ 5:06 pm }
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{ Uncategorized }
{ Tags: sleep, I, it's, because, and, today, that, on, about, can't, just, anyone, to, do, as, The, have, in, get, a, it, is, of, back, but, too, day, out, don't, like, didn't, all, at, now, stop, hubby, not, he, any, see, much, We, talk, from, feel, Time, left, up, want, hard, anything, myself, went, soon, kids, away, anybody, separate, world, Yesterday, Memphis, ended, snapping, eat, place, picked, refused, crying, car, Thinking, acted, little, kid, throwing, tantrum, couldn't, totally, concentrating, write, takes, concentrate }
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I went back to sleep as soon as the kids left and all I want to do is sleep. It’s not that I didn’t get any sleep, I just want to sleep the day away. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to see anyone. I don’t want to talk to anybody. I just want to separate myself from the world.
Yesterday we went to Memphis and I ended up snapping at hubby because I didn’t want to eat at the place he picked. I refused to eat and ended up crying in the car. Thinking about it now, I acted like a little kid throwing a tantrum. But I couldn’t stop myself…
I feel totally out of it today and have a hard time concentrating on anything. I can’t write. It takes too much to concentrate on it.
{ March 28, 2008 @ 4:50 pm }
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{ Tags: a, all, already, am, and, at, be, crying, day, definitely, do, down, established, feel, for, happens, I, I'm, in, it's, just, know, Last, like, living, loud, med, missed, mood, My, Never, now, Ok, out, over, really, same, screwed, sentence, that, The, this, three, Time, times, to, type, typed, up, waiting, We've, weird, what, with, word, wrong, ya }
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We’ve already established that I missed my med. Now I feel like I’m up and down at the same time. Ok….I am definitely all screwed up. I typed the wrong word three times in the last sentence and that never happens. For crying out loud, I type all the time. It’s what I do for a living, ya know?
I’m in a really weird mood and I am just waiting for this day to be over with.
{ March 26, 2008 @ 6:01 pm }
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{ Tags: bipolar, psychotic, hallucinations, voices, Symbyax, sleep, I, it's, because, are, and, My, me, today, that, gets, on, his, about, She, has, been, how, money, can't, just, be, for, I'll, tell, you, to, do, as, her, The, have, in, so, get, a, it, is, bad, of, think, they, back, before, head, home, trying, mind, but, yet, I'm, going, crazy, dose, Then, which, was, prescription, 300, day, had, out, were, good, don't, or, didn't, all, what, does, calls, friend, at, with, let, keep, help, need, right, now, hubby, care, There, when, am, not, he, still, having, doctor, any, med, will, see, would, cost, told, We, our, bridge, insurance, pay, amount, Lovely, afford, ask, an, him, from, feel, Time, years, this, up, make, only, thing, doesn't, seem, better, keeps, down, Maybe, if, nice, know, through, say, says, No, looking, Alright, already, enough, days, life, Each, myself, mean, point, figure, some, that's, pick, went, kids, away, Yesterday, mom, year, old, night, missed, hearing, Never, Can, three, really, could, probably, even, month, great, trip, best, part, reconnecting, being, again, daily, grind, getting, ugly, found, not a, past, upped, pocket, next, refill, into, guess I, roller, coaster, Who, knows, appointment, truck, uglier, periodontist, revealed, teeth, fixed, between, $8, 000, $10, Oh, payment, plan, daddy's, burial, taken, Eventually, lose, gum, disease, simply, cannot, treatment, rid, love, swear, kill, live, freak, suicidal, seeking, ends, fine, increase, issue, gone, Doc, episode, pretty, common, dealing, stress, disorder, 1, features, basically, means, hallucinate, hear, vary, homicidal, occur, Add new tag, worse, stupid, song, December, everything's, gonna, Surely, sit, typing, post, test, done, nobody, hadn't, school, She's, drove, herself, hour, fucking, got, book, mail, memory, dad, reminds, Governor, Bredesen, answered, letter, guess, resend, originally, charged, attempted, murder, plead, aggravated, assault, man, caught, molesting, granddaughter, niece, hit, coffee, mug, leaving, coma, died, probation, infant, two, later, charges, dropped, heart, attack, Whoopdeedoo, terminally, nearly, jail, release, house, arrest, passed, light, circumstances, surrounding, dad's, conviction, pardon, name, removed, convicted, felons, list, deserve, Darn, email, laptop, sister, copy, else, redraft }
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The good…
I had a great trip. I think the best part was reconnecting with an old friend.
The bad…
Just being home again and being back to the daily grind of just getting through each day.
The ugly…
I found out my hallucinations are not a thing of the past. I would say I need my dose upped some but the prescription is $300 a month and I will have to pay that out of pocket for the next refill because we’re into the bridge on our insurance. I guess I am looking at going back on the med roller coaster. Who knows? My appointment was yesterday but I missed it because we had to pick up the truck.
The even uglier…
My trip to the periodontist revealed that to get my teeth fixed will cost between $8,000 and $10,000. Mind you, that’s money I don’t have. Oh they have a nice payment plan but I am still trying to figure out how to get daddy’s burial taken care of. So what does it mean for me? Eventually I will lose my teeth to gum disease because I simply cannot afford the treatment to get rid of it. As if I didn’t just love myself enough already…
I swear, if my life gets any better I’ll have to kill myself to live with it. Before you freak out, I’m not suicidal at this point. I have told my doctor about my hallucinations and I am seeking help…again. Yet again. It never ends.
Let me say at this point that Symbyax is great. I would probably do just fine with a dose increase. The only issue I have is my hallucinations have not gone away. Doc says it’s a “psychotic episode” and it’s pretty common when dealing with the amount of stress I have. The issue is that I don’t just have bipolar disorder. I have bipolar 1 disorder with psychotic features. Psychotic features basically means I hallucinate and hear voices. My hallucinations vary from homicidal to suicidal and even occur when I feel I am having a good time. Maybe I am just crazy. I really don’t know.
Then again, this year just keeps getting worse and worse. It just doesn’t seem to let up. I keep hearing this stupid song in my head…..”If we make it through December, everything’s gonna be alright”. Surely next year can’t be any worse. I just don’t see how it could…but then again.
As I sit typing this post, hubby calls to tell me my mom is having a stress test done right now and nobody went with her. If the kids hadn’t been out of school I would have went. She’s been up all night with no sleep and drove herself an hour away. Lovely. Just fucking lovely.
I got a nice book in the mail in memory of my dad today. Which reminds me that Governor Bredesen still has not answered my letter. I guess I need to resend it. What letter, you ask? My dad was originally charged with attempted murder but plead down to aggravated assault for trying to kill the man he caught molesting his granddaughter (my niece).(He hit the man in the back of the head with a coffee mug, leaving him in a coma for three days.) He died on probation for it. The man was caught molesting a three month old infant two years later and charges were later dropped because he had a heart attack. Whoopdeedoo. My dad was terminally ill and nearly died in jail before they would release him to house arrest. He was still on probation when he passed away. In light of the circumstances surrounding my dad’s conviction, I am trying to get Governor Bredesen to pardon him so his name can be removed from the convicted felons list. He doesn’t deserve to be there.
Darn it all. The email was on my old laptop. I’ll have to email my sister and see if she still has a copy of it or else I will have to redraft it.
{ March 18, 2008 @ 8:50 pm }
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{ Tags: a, all, and, been, blown, day, fucking, have, just, lot, Lovely, of, off, roof, shingles, The, up, winds }
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The winds have been up all day….and blown a lot of shingles off the roof. Lovely. Just fucking lovely.
{ March 18, 2008 @ 8:13 pm }
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{ Tags: admit, all, am, and, anymore, anything, at, awhile, be, bear, Bullshit, but, Can, damned, deal, do, don't, downward, else, endure, every, Explain, for, get, give, god, grief, hard, have, having, heard, here, how, hurry, I, I've, is, it, it's, just, keep, kids, know, ladder, like, make, me, mind, minutes, more, much, must, My, myself, need, occupied, off, on, one, people, piled, Please, pushes, put, rung, say, seems, shoulders, so, something, spiraling, still, suicide, ten, than, that, The, Then, There, thing, things, thrown, Time, to, together, too, torment, trying, up, what, why, will, with, won't, you }
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I give. I admit it. I am still spiraling downward. It seems like every time I get up one rung on the ladder, something pushes me off the damned thing. I am trying so hard to get myself together but I just keep having things thrown at me and I don’t know how to deal with it all. It’s just too much. Why must I endure so much grief and torment?
What to do? What to do?
Is there anything else that can be piled on my shoulders? I’ve heard people say god won’t put anymore on you than you can bear. Bullshit. Explain why there is still suicide then.
I just need to make it ten more minutes and the kids will be here and then I will have my mind occupied for awhile. Please hurry up.
