Posts Tagged ‘get’
{ April 26, 2008 @ 11:23 am }
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{ Tags: $8, 000, 9, a, acute, and, another, asked, back, bad, be, better, blood, bonfire, bronchitis, cell, come, comes, count, dehydration, down, family, feel, for, gastritis, get, gets, going, good, has, have, having, he, her, him, his, hospitalized, I, I'm, if, is, it, just, little, morning, My, negative, nephew, old, parents, poor, possible, released, Results, sepsis, severe, sign, sister-in-law, so, supposed, test, The, to, Tomorrow, tonight, was, were, when, which, white, will, year, Yesterday }
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My 9 year old nephew was hospitalized yesterday morning. He has bronchitis, severe dehydration, acute gastritis and possible sepsis. The sepsis test results will be back tomorrow and if it comes back negative he will be released. His white blood cell count is down to 8,000 which is a good sign.
We’re having a bonfire tonight and my sister-in-law and her family were supposed to come down. My poor little nephew asked his parents yesterday if he was going to get to come to the bonfire. I feel so bad for him. When he gets better, I’m going to have another bonfire just for him.
{ April 10, 2008 @ 1:25 pm }
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{ Tags: a, across, and, are, back, bad, battery, been, before, Boo, both, but, by, camera, chance, charger, Chicago, come, coming, crazy, do, find, for, get, going, have, head, here, home, hope, I, I'm, I'm just rambling today because I am about to crawl out, in, is, it, line, mind, moving, My, new, occupy, of, over, pass, sister-in-law, so, something, storms, succeed, sure, The, they, think, to, today, tonight, trying, Unfortunately, use, won't, Yay, yet }
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The charger and battery for my new camera have both come in. Yay!
Unfortunately, storms are moving in so I won’t get a chance to use it today. Boo! Boo!
My sister-in-law is in Chicago and a bad line of storms is moving across. I think they are coming back tonight so I sure hope the storms pass by before they head back home.
I’m just rambling today because I am about to crawl out of my skin. I have been trying to find something to do to occupy my mind but have yet to succeed. I’m going crazy over here!
{ April 9, 2008 @ 3:10 pm }
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{ Tags: 300, a, abilify, about, all, always, am, and, answer, around, asks, at, be, been, brain, but, by, calls, capable, care, changed, children, ct, ct scan, daughter, day, didn't, do, does, don't, dose, doubled, expensive, family, for, Friday, friend, get, going, good, had, has, he, health, help, her, here, hubby, husband, I, is, issues, keep, Last, let, like, lithium, may, me, medical, mental, mg., Monday, morning, mother, My, need, not, now, of, oldest, on, or, ourselves, out, people, perfectly, phone, prescription, proceeds, Results, right, rule, scan, She, so, stop, Symbyax, take, taking, tell, that, The, Then, There, they, things, times, to, too, trying, Tuesday, tumor, twice, was, way, were, what, when, which, with, work }
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Last Friday they doubled my dose of Symbyax. Then on Monday they changed me to Abilify which was way too expensive so they changed my prescription to 300 mg. of lithium twice a day. On Tuesday morning I had a ct scan to rule out a brain tumor. (Results were good, by the way.) I don’t like to tell people around me about my medical or mental issues so I didn’t answer the phone all day. So what does my mother do? She calls my friend at work and asks her what is going on with me and then proceeds to tell her that she has been trying to get me to let her keep my oldest daughter to “help me out”.
What I need right now is for my family to stop trying to “help” and let my hubby and I take care of things ourselves. There may be times when I am not all here but my husband always is and he is perfectly capable of taking care of me and the children.
{ April 3, 2008 @ 5:46 pm }
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{ Tags: all, and, any, back, be, bed, bedtime, better, by, coming, creeps, day, do, doesn't, don't, down, end, ever, every, find, forward, get, go, hard, I, if, in, is, it, it's, just, keep, keeps, know, look, make, Maybe, morning, nice, on, only, outside, rain, seem, something, spend, still, that, The, thing, things, through, Time, to, trudging, trying, up, want, was, when, will, would }
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I still get up in the morning and just want to go back to bed. I spend all day trying to find something to do to make the time go by and it just creeps on. The only thing I look forward to is bedtime. It just doesn’t seem to get any better.
And the rain just keeps coming down…
Maybe things would be better if it was nice outside. I don’t know. I just know that it’s hard to keep trudging through every day. When will it ever end?
{ April 2, 2008 @ 6:47 pm }
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{ Tags: a, am, and, anything, anywhere, ask, asks, atlas, Banks, Bay, beach, change, Chesapeake, coast, confused, Daytona, don't, east, First, Florida, get, go, Gulf, have, he, him, his, hubby, I, in, including, is, know, like, look, looking, me, mind, necessarily, No, not, of, on, only, other, Outer, Pensacola, places, rather, replies, say, says, side, so, stay, stuff, summer, tells, The, Then, There, think, this, Time, tired, to, travel, up, want, wasting, We, what, when, where, why, with, wonders, would, wrong, you }
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Hubby asks me to look up places to stay when we travel this summer. First he asks me to look up the Outer Banks, then he tells me anywhere there is a beach including Florida. When I say Pensacola he says, “No, not in the Gulf. On the other side, like Daytona.” Then he says he would rather go to Chesapeake Bay. I say, “So you want me to look up the Outer Banks?” Then he says not necessarily the Outer Banks — anywhere on the east coast. I ask, “Where?” He replies, “I don’t know. Get the atlas and look.”
And he wonders why I am confused and asks what is wrong with me…
I don’t think there is anything wrong with me. I am tired of wasting time looking up stuff only to have him change his mind.
{ April 1, 2008 @ 5:06 pm }
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{ Tags: a, about, acted, all, and, any, anybody, anyone, anything, as, at, away, back, because, but, can't, car, concentrate, concentrating, couldn't, crying, day, didn't, do, don't, eat, ended, feel, from, get, hard, have, he, hubby, I, in, is, it, it's, just, kid, kids, left, like, little, Memphis, much, myself, not, now, of, on, out, picked, place, refused, see, separate, sleep, snapping, soon, stop, takes, talk, tantrum, that, The, Thinking, throwing, Time, to, today, too, totally, up, want, We, went, world, write, Yesterday }
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I went back to sleep as soon as the kids left and all I want to do is sleep. It’s not that I didn’t get any sleep, I just want to sleep the day away. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to see anyone. I don’t want to talk to anybody. I just want to separate myself from the world.
Yesterday we went to Memphis and I ended up snapping at hubby because I didn’t want to eat at the place he picked. I refused to eat and ended up crying in the car. Thinking about it now, I acted like a little kid throwing a tantrum. But I couldn’t stop myself…
I feel totally out of it today and have a hard time concentrating on anything. I can’t write. It takes too much to concentrate on it.
{ March 28, 2008 @ 7:02 pm }
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{ Tags: 4, 7, a, after, always, am, and, answering, asks, because, calls, Can, do, doing, favor, five, for, from, get, hearing, hey, how, I, in, is, Lovely, me, meds, missed, mom, My, nephew, Never, night, No, of, old, or, phone, same, Saturday, sleep, sleeping, The, thing, tired, to, Tomorrow, watch, ya, year, you }
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Tomorrow is Saturday. My mom calls and asks me to watch my five year old nephew from 4 AM to 7 AM. No sleeping in for me after a night of no sleep because of missed meds. Lovely. I get tired of answering the phone and hearing the same thing. Never “hey” or “how ya doing”. Always, “Can you do me a favor?”
{ March 26, 2008 @ 6:01 pm }
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{ Tags: $10, $8, 000, 1, 300, a, about, Add new tag, afford, again, aggravated, all, already, Alright, am, amount, an, and, answered, any, appointment, are, arrest, as, ask, assault, at, attack, attempted, away, back, bad, basically, be, because, been, before, being, best, better, between, bipolar, book, Bredesen, bridge, burial, but, calls, Can, can't, cannot, care, caught, charged, charges, circumstances, coaster, coffee, coma, common, convicted, conviction, copy, cost, could, crazy, dad, dad's, daddy's, daily, Darn, day, days, dealing, December, deserve, didn't, died, disease, disorder, do, Doc, doctor, does, doesn't, don't, done, dose, down, dropped, drove, Each, else, email, ends, enough, episode, even, Eventually, everything's, features, feel, felons, figure, fine, fixed, for, found, freak, friend, from, fucking, get, gets, getting, going, gone, gonna, good, got, Governor, granddaughter, great, grind, guess, guess I, gum, had, hadn't, hallucinate, hallucinations, has, have, having, he, head, hear, hearing, heart, help, her, herself, him, his, hit, home, homicidal, hour, house, how, hubby, I, I'll, I'm, if, in, increase, infant, insurance, into, is, issue, it, it's, jail, just, keep, keeps, kids, kill, know, knows, laptop, later, leaving, let, letter, life, light, list, live, looking, lose, love, Lovely, mail, make, man, Maybe, me, mean, means, med, memory, mind, missed, molesting, mom, money, month, mug, murder, My, myself, name, nearly, need, Never, next, nice, niece, night, No, nobody, not, not a, now, occur, of, Oh, old, on, only, or, originally, our, out, pardon, part, passed, past, pay, payment, periodontist, pick, plan, plead, pocket, point, post, prescription, pretty, probably, probation, psychotic, really, reconnecting, redraft, refill, release, reminds, removed, resend, revealed, rid, right, roller, say, says, school, see, seeking, seem, She, She's, simply, sister, sit, sleep, so, some, song, still, stress, stupid, suicidal, Surely, surrounding, swear, Symbyax, taken, teeth, tell, terminally, test, that, that's, The, Then, There, they, thing, think, this, three, through, Time, to, today, told, treatment, trip, truck, trying, two, typing, uglier, ugly, up, upped, vary, voices, was, We, went, were, what, when, which, Who, Whoopdeedoo, will, with, worse, would, year, years, Yesterday, yet, you }
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The good…
I had a great trip. I think the best part was reconnecting with an old friend.
The bad…
Just being home again and being back to the daily grind of just getting through each day.
The ugly…
I found out my hallucinations are not a thing of the past. I would say I need my dose upped some but the prescription is $300 a month and I will have to pay that out of pocket for the next refill because we’re into the bridge on our insurance. I guess I am looking at going back on the med roller coaster. Who knows? My appointment was yesterday but I missed it because we had to pick up the truck.
The even uglier…
My trip to the periodontist revealed that to get my teeth fixed will cost between $8,000 and $10,000. Mind you, that’s money I don’t have. Oh they have a nice payment plan but I am still trying to figure out how to get daddy’s burial taken care of. So what does it mean for me? Eventually I will lose my teeth to gum disease because I simply cannot afford the treatment to get rid of it. As if I didn’t just love myself enough already…
I swear, if my life gets any better I’ll have to kill myself to live with it. Before you freak out, I’m not suicidal at this point. I have told my doctor about my hallucinations and I am seeking help…again. Yet again. It never ends.
Let me say at this point that Symbyax is great. I would probably do just fine with a dose increase. The only issue I have is my hallucinations have not gone away. Doc says it’s a “psychotic episode” and it’s pretty common when dealing with the amount of stress I have. The issue is that I don’t just have bipolar disorder. I have bipolar 1 disorder with psychotic features. Psychotic features basically means I hallucinate and hear voices. My hallucinations vary from homicidal to suicidal and even occur when I feel I am having a good time. Maybe I am just crazy. I really don’t know.
Then again, this year just keeps getting worse and worse. It just doesn’t seem to let up. I keep hearing this stupid song in my head…..”If we make it through December, everything’s gonna be alright”. Surely next year can’t be any worse. I just don’t see how it could…but then again.
As I sit typing this post, hubby calls to tell me my mom is having a stress test done right now and nobody went with her. If the kids hadn’t been out of school I would have went. She’s been up all night with no sleep and drove herself an hour away. Lovely. Just fucking lovely.
I got a nice book in the mail in memory of my dad today. Which reminds me that Governor Bredesen still has not answered my letter. I guess I need to resend it. What letter, you ask? My dad was originally charged with attempted murder but plead down to aggravated assault for trying to kill the man he caught molesting his granddaughter (my niece).(He hit the man in the back of the head with a coffee mug, leaving him in a coma for three days.) He died on probation for it. The man was caught molesting a three month old infant two years later and charges were later dropped because he had a heart attack. Whoopdeedoo. My dad was terminally ill and nearly died in jail before they would release him to house arrest. He was still on probation when he passed away. In light of the circumstances surrounding my dad’s conviction, I am trying to get Governor Bredesen to pardon him so his name can be removed from the convicted felons list. He doesn’t deserve to be there.
Darn it all. The email was on my old laptop. I’ll have to email my sister and see if she still has a copy of it or else I will have to redraft it.
{ March 20, 2008 @ 4:32 pm }
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{ Tags: abuse, already, also, and, arrived, bad, be, before, being, beyond, blog, but, by, Can, catch, child, comes, considered, cooped, could, day, did, didn't, do, emotions, enjoy, episode, every, excited, field, fighting, finally, five, for, four, gagging, get, getting, go, gotten, had, has, have, helps, hours, I, I'm, if, in, innermost, intention, invited, is, it, it's, joking, just, keep, kids, Knowing, Last, Maybe, me, might, mind, more, My, needed, not, of, on, one, only, out, person, picked, point, probably, quickly, read, realize, really, sane, say, snuck, so, someone, somewhere, Soooo, started, suicide, that, that's, The, them, they, They're, think, this, thought, thoughts, Time, to, too, torture, town, trust, up, usually, want, was, way, We, Well, where, which, While, why, with, wondering, work, would, writing, writings, you }
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The day has finally arrived. I’m getting out of town.
I would be more excited but my kids have already started fighting. They do this every time we go somewhere. The thought of being cooped up with this for four to five hours is torture. Do you think gagging them would be considered child abuse? (I’m joking, by the way.)
I also want to say this….
I invited one person to read my blog. Just one. They’re probably wondering why. Well, writing helps keep me sane. It’s the only way I can get my emotions out. I enjoy writing which is why I work in the field. But beyond that, this last episode snuck up on me so quickly that I didn’t realize I had gotten to the point to where suicide was my intention. While I might not catch it, it usually comes out in my writings. Soooo…I needed someone I could really trust and someone I didn’t mind knowing my innermost thoughts. That’s why I picked the person I did. I trust you and if I get too bad, maybe you can catch it before I do.
{ March 18, 2008 @ 8:13 pm }
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{ Tags: admit, all, am, and, anymore, anything, at, awhile, be, bear, Bullshit, but, Can, damned, deal, do, don't, downward, else, endure, every, Explain, for, get, give, god, grief, hard, have, having, heard, here, how, hurry, I, I've, is, it, it's, just, keep, kids, know, ladder, like, make, me, mind, minutes, more, much, must, My, myself, need, occupied, off, on, one, people, piled, Please, pushes, put, rung, say, seems, shoulders, so, something, spiraling, still, suicide, ten, than, that, The, Then, There, thing, things, thrown, Time, to, together, too, torment, trying, up, what, why, will, with, won't, you }
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I give. I admit it. I am still spiraling downward. It seems like every time I get up one rung on the ladder, something pushes me off the damned thing. I am trying so hard to get myself together but I just keep having things thrown at me and I don’t know how to deal with it all. It’s just too much. Why must I endure so much grief and torment?
What to do? What to do?
Is there anything else that can be piled on my shoulders? I’ve heard people say god won’t put anymore on you than you can bear. Bullshit. Explain why there is still suicide then.
I just need to make it ten more minutes and the kids will be here and then I will have my mind occupied for awhile. Please hurry up.
