Posts Tagged ‘go’
{ May 7, 2008 @ 12:56 pm }
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{ Tags: a, and, because, boat, bonfire, cancel, couldn't, don't, Everything, Friday, go, good, had, have, him, hospital, hubby, I, in, it, like, mean, My, offshore, planned, races, Saturday, seemed, spent, tell, that, The, they, to, upset, us, was, way, We, what, with, worried, wrong }
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And I don’t mean it in a good way.
My hubby spent Friday and Saturday in the hospital. We had planned to have a bonfire and go to the offshore boat races. Hubby was worried that I was upset because we had to cancel everything. I was upset because it seemed like they couldn’t tell us what was wrong with him.
{ April 28, 2008 @ 11:52 am }
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{ Tags: because, begged, better, bronchial, evening, feeling, from, go, goodness, has, he, He's, his, hospital, morning, much, negative, now, pneumonia, released, school, sepsis, Sunday, test, Thank, The, this, though, to, was }
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He was released from the hospital Sunday evening. His sepsis test was negative, thank goodness. He now has bronchial pneumonia. He’s feeling much better though because he begged to go to school this morning.
{ April 22, 2008 @ 9:48 am }
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{ Tags: 6, 7, a, about, afraid, all, always, and, around, asked, away, bad, because, beside, chair, could, couldn't, crawled, crept, daddy, dark, disappeared, down, dream, ever, father, favorite, found, frightened, from, go, hallway, having, he, hero, him, his, I, in, into, is, kitchen, lamp, lap, lava, lie, light, little, me, memories, moment, My, nightmare, of, old, one, only, or, out, owls, pain, reach, reached, rocker, rocking, sat, see, sleep, so, spot, still, terrified, that, The, them, they, to, told, too, touch, touched, up, usual, was, when, with, woke, would, years, you }
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One of my favorite memories of my father is from when I was about 6 or 7 years old.
I woke up from having a nightmare about owls and I could still see them all around me. I was terrified so I crept down the hallway and found my father in his usual spot — in his rocking chair in the kitchen. He couldn’t sleep because of his pain so he always sat in his rocker in the dark with only the light from the lava lamp beside him.
I crawled into his lap and told him about my bad dream and all the little owls all around me. He told me to reach out and touch them and they would go away. I was too afraid. He asked me, “Would daddy ever lie to you?” Still frightened, I reached out and touched one and they all disappeared.
In that moment, he was my hero.
{ April 7, 2008 @ 6:26 pm }
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{ Tags: 474.94, a, abilify, afford, after, also, alternative, am, amount, an, and, any, are, ask, at, be, because, Besides, big, bridge, burden, called, can't, care, cat, certainly, chance, change, children, cost, decided, doctor, does, don't, feel, fill, find, for, from, go, hallucinations, have, having, he, here, him, home, how, hubby, I, I'm, in, inpatient, insurance, is, isn't, it, like, Lovely, lunch, me, med, meds, morning, much, My, not, now, of, on, other, our, out, pay, paying, possibly, prescription, prescriptions, preset, problems, psychiatrist, returns, rule, scan, see, services, so, spend, still, suggested, supposed, take, talk, that, The, them, think, to, told, try, until, wants, was, We, when, where, will, would, you }
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I’m still having hallucinations so the doctor wants me to go for a cat scan in the morning to rule out any other problems. He also decided to change my med to Abilify. I don’t think I will have the chance to try it because when I called to see how much it would cost to fill the prescription, I was told it would be 474.94. We are in our bridge on our insurance (where the insurance does not pay until you spend a preset amount) so insurance isn’t paying any of that. Lovely. Now I can’t afford the meds.
My doctor also suggested I find a psychiatrist and possibly inpatient services. I can’t afford my prescriptions so I certainly can’t afford inpatient. Besides, I have children at home and I have to be here to take care of them. Hubby called my doctor to ask for an alternative and he is supposed to talk to him after he returns from lunch.
I feel like I am a big burden.
{ April 3, 2008 @ 5:46 pm }
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{ Tags: all, and, any, back, be, bed, bedtime, better, by, coming, creeps, day, do, doesn't, don't, down, end, ever, every, find, forward, get, go, hard, I, if, in, is, it, it's, just, keep, keeps, know, look, make, Maybe, morning, nice, on, only, outside, rain, seem, something, spend, still, that, The, thing, things, through, Time, to, trudging, trying, up, want, was, when, will, would }
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I still get up in the morning and just want to go back to bed. I spend all day trying to find something to do to make the time go by and it just creeps on. The only thing I look forward to is bedtime. It just doesn’t seem to get any better.
And the rain just keeps coming down…
Maybe things would be better if it was nice outside. I don’t know. I just know that it’s hard to keep trudging through every day. When will it ever end?
{ April 2, 2008 @ 6:47 pm }
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{ Tags: a, am, and, anything, anywhere, ask, asks, atlas, Banks, Bay, beach, change, Chesapeake, coast, confused, Daytona, don't, east, First, Florida, get, go, Gulf, have, he, him, his, hubby, I, in, including, is, know, like, look, looking, me, mind, necessarily, No, not, of, on, only, other, Outer, Pensacola, places, rather, replies, say, says, side, so, stay, stuff, summer, tells, The, Then, There, think, this, Time, tired, to, travel, up, want, wasting, We, what, when, where, why, with, wonders, would, wrong, you }
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Hubby asks me to look up places to stay when we travel this summer. First he asks me to look up the Outer Banks, then he tells me anywhere there is a beach including Florida. When I say Pensacola he says, “No, not in the Gulf. On the other side, like Daytona.” Then he says he would rather go to Chesapeake Bay. I say, “So you want me to look up the Outer Banks?” Then he says not necessarily the Outer Banks — anywhere on the east coast. I ask, “Where?” He replies, “I don’t know. Get the atlas and look.”
And he wonders why I am confused and asks what is wrong with me…
I don’t think there is anything wrong with me. I am tired of wasting time looking up stuff only to have him change his mind.
{ April 2, 2008 @ 4:51 pm }
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{ Tags: already, Alright, am, and, another, around, at, back, bad, because, bedtime, by, camera, day, days, drag, Each, enough, feel, figure, for, forward, Friday, go, good, guy, had, have, Hell, I, I'll, I'm, I've, in, is, it, it's, just, know, least, life, like, look, mean, minute, My, myself, news, nothing, of, one, only, out, pick, point, pointless, seems, sitting, sleep, so, sold, some, still, supposed, sure, taking, that's, The, There, things, think, through, Time, times, tired, to, trying, up, waiting, waking, wanting, way, what, when, working }
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Alright, already. I’ve had enough bad days. It’s time for at least one good day. I’m tired of waking up and only wanting to go back to sleep. I’m tired of sitting around waiting for bedtime. Hell…I’m just tired.
I feel like there is nothing to look forward to in life. Each day is just another I have to drag myself through and it seems pointless at times. I mean, what is the point? I’m still trying to figure it out, so I am back to taking things minute by minute and working my way back up to day by day.
I have had some good news. I think I sold my camera. I’ll know for sure Friday because that’s when the guy is supposed to pick it up.
I need to go take a shower. Maybe I will be more awake and focused after that…but I’m not counting on it.
{ March 28, 2008 @ 4:45 pm }
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{ Tags: 9, am, and, at, away, better, but, Can, can't, constantly, could, crawling, day, deal, didn't, do, don't, feel, feels, gets, go, god, have, he, hold, home, hours, hubby, I, I'm, if, is, isn't, it, just, keep, knocks, Knowing, like, mad, make, me, med, medicine, mind, morning, My, night, not, occupied, out, probably, rambling, realized, right, seems, skin, so, something, take, Thank, that, The, Then, this, to, today, until, up, wait, which, why, with, without, woke, working }
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I woke up this morning and realized right away that I didn’t take my medicine. Knowing that the med knocks me out (which is why I take it at night) I could not take it so I have to deal with the day without it. My skin feels like it is crawling and I have to have something to do constantly so I don’t go mad. I have to keep my mind occupied so if it seems like I’m rambling then I probably am. Thank god hubby isn’t working but 9 hours today.
I can’t wait until he gets home so he can just hold me and make me feel better.
{ March 20, 2008 @ 4:32 pm }
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{ Tags: abuse, already, also, and, arrived, bad, be, before, being, beyond, blog, but, by, Can, catch, child, comes, considered, cooped, could, day, did, didn't, do, emotions, enjoy, episode, every, excited, field, fighting, finally, five, for, four, gagging, get, getting, go, gotten, had, has, have, helps, hours, I, I'm, if, in, innermost, intention, invited, is, it, it's, joking, just, keep, kids, Knowing, Last, Maybe, me, might, mind, more, My, needed, not, of, on, one, only, out, person, picked, point, probably, quickly, read, realize, really, sane, say, snuck, so, someone, somewhere, Soooo, started, suicide, that, that's, The, them, they, They're, think, this, thought, thoughts, Time, to, too, torture, town, trust, up, usually, want, was, way, We, Well, where, which, While, why, with, wondering, work, would, writing, writings, you }
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The day has finally arrived. I’m getting out of town.
I would be more excited but my kids have already started fighting. They do this every time we go somewhere. The thought of being cooped up with this for four to five hours is torture. Do you think gagging them would be considered child abuse? (I’m joking, by the way.)
I also want to say this….
I invited one person to read my blog. Just one. They’re probably wondering why. Well, writing helps keep me sane. It’s the only way I can get my emotions out. I enjoy writing which is why I work in the field. But beyond that, this last episode snuck up on me so quickly that I didn’t realize I had gotten to the point to where suicide was my intention. While I might not catch it, it usually comes out in my writings. Soooo…I needed someone I could really trust and someone I didn’t mind knowing my innermost thoughts. That’s why I picked the person I did. I trust you and if I get too bad, maybe you can catch it before I do.
