Posts Tagged ‘me’
{ April 22, 2008 @ 9:48 am }
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{ Tags: sleep, I, because, and, My, me, that, his, about, you, to, The, in, so, a, is, bad, of, they, was, too, out, around, or, all, with, when, always, he, still, having, go, see, would, told, them, him, from, years, up, only, down, ever, one, away, little, couldn't, old, 7, woke, could, found, into, light, usual, favorite, memories, father, 6, nightmare, owls, terrified, crept, hallway, spot, rocking, chair, kitchen, pain, sat, rocker, dark, lava, lamp, beside, crawled, lap, dream, reach, touch, afraid, asked, daddy, lie, frightened, reached, touched, disappeared, moment, hero }
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One of my favorite memories of my father is from when I was about 6 or 7 years old.
I woke up from having a nightmare about owls and I could still see them all around me. I was terrified so I crept down the hallway and found my father in his usual spot — in his rocking chair in the kitchen. He couldn’t sleep because of his pain so he always sat in his rocker in the dark with only the light from the lava lamp beside him.
I crawled into his lap and told him about my bad dream and all the little owls all around me. He told me to reach out and touch them and they would go away. I was too afraid. He asked me, “Would daddy ever lie to you?” Still frightened, I reached out and touched one and they all disappeared.
In that moment, he was my hero.
{ April 22, 2008 @ 9:17 am }
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{ Tags: $500, a, abilify, added, advise, again, almost, amitriptyline, and, away, before, both, but, changed, cold, conceiving, could, daughter, decision, depression, do, doctor, doing, Each, eat, Effexor, Elavil, end, ended, episode, few, for, had, hallucinate, hallucinating, hallucinations, hardly, have, hours, I, issues, it, just, Last, later, Let's, list, lithium, made, me, medications, months, My, nauseated, nightmares, not, of, on, or, other, over, Paxil, prescription, quit, right, second, shall, sleep, so, start, started, still, Symbyax, taken, that, The, them, Then, these, this, thrilled, to, took, Trazodone, turkey, up, vomit, wanted, was, We, week, Wellbutrin, what, when, which, with, within, working, Xanax, years, youngest, Zoloft }
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What medications have I taken over the years? Let’s list them, shall we?
I started with Zoloft. Zoloft made me hallucinate and have nightmares. I was changed to Elavil or amitriptyline which made me vomit for hours on end. Then I ended up on Paxil. I quit cold turkey (which I do not advise) just a few months before conceiving my youngest daughter.
When I had my second episode, I ended up on Effexor. Months later, Wellbutrin was added to that. I quit both of these cold turkey within a week of each other (Again, I do not advise doing this and my doctor was not thrilled with my decision.) and was so nauseated that I could hardly eat.
With my last episode, I started on Symbyax. Then Xanax was added so I could sleep. I was still hallucinating so the doctor wanted to start me on Abilify, but it was almost $500 for the prescription so I was changed to Lithium. Lithium took away the hallucinations right away and started working on the depression. I have sleep issues still so the doctor added Trazodone.
So…
Zoloft
Elavil
Paxil
Effexor
Wellbutrin
Symbyax
Zanax
Lithium
Trazodone
{ April 17, 2008 @ 10:20 am }
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{ Tags: about, and, anyone, are, arrogant, as, aunt, be, because, been, buying, called, can't, do, Everyone, for, gets, happy, has, hate, her, his, how, husband, I, I'll, informed, it's, jealous, just, me, money, mother, My, nerves, on, people, petty, ranting, selfish, She, spends, stand, talking, tell, that, to, today, uncle, vehicles, Well, why, wonders, you }
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Everyone wonders why I hate people. Well, it’s because people are petty, arrogant, selfish and jealous. My uncle called me today and informed me that my mother gets on his nerves talking about people. She has been talking about how my aunt spends money and ranting about my husband and I buying vehicles. Why can’t she just be happy for everyone? I’ll tell you why. It’s because she can’t stand for anyone to do as well as her.
My mind keeps wandering. I can’t sit still and type.
{ April 9, 2008 @ 3:10 pm }
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{ Tags: 300, a, abilify, about, all, always, am, and, answer, around, asks, at, be, been, brain, but, by, calls, capable, care, changed, children, ct, ct scan, daughter, day, didn't, do, does, don't, dose, doubled, expensive, family, for, Friday, friend, get, going, good, had, has, he, health, help, her, here, hubby, husband, I, is, issues, keep, Last, let, like, lithium, may, me, medical, mental, mg., Monday, morning, mother, My, need, not, now, of, oldest, on, or, ourselves, out, people, perfectly, phone, prescription, proceeds, Results, right, rule, scan, She, so, stop, Symbyax, take, taking, tell, that, The, Then, There, they, things, times, to, too, trying, Tuesday, tumor, twice, was, way, were, what, when, which, with, work }
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Last Friday they doubled my dose of Symbyax. Then on Monday they changed me to Abilify which was way too expensive so they changed my prescription to 300 mg. of lithium twice a day. On Tuesday morning I had a ct scan to rule out a brain tumor. (Results were good, by the way.) I don’t like to tell people around me about my medical or mental issues so I didn’t answer the phone all day. So what does my mother do? She calls my friend at work and asks her what is going on with me and then proceeds to tell her that she has been trying to get me to let her keep my oldest daughter to “help me out”.
What I need right now is for my family to stop trying to “help” and let my hubby and I take care of things ourselves. There may be times when I am not all here but my husband always is and he is perfectly capable of taking care of me and the children.
{ April 7, 2008 @ 6:26 pm }
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{ Tags: 474.94, a, abilify, afford, after, also, alternative, am, amount, an, and, any, are, ask, at, be, because, Besides, big, bridge, burden, called, can't, care, cat, certainly, chance, change, children, cost, decided, doctor, does, don't, feel, fill, find, for, from, go, hallucinations, have, having, he, here, him, home, how, hubby, I, I'm, in, inpatient, insurance, is, isn't, it, like, Lovely, lunch, me, med, meds, morning, much, My, not, now, of, on, other, our, out, pay, paying, possibly, prescription, prescriptions, preset, problems, psychiatrist, returns, rule, scan, see, services, so, spend, still, suggested, supposed, take, talk, that, The, them, think, to, told, try, until, wants, was, We, when, where, will, would, you }
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I’m still having hallucinations so the doctor wants me to go for a cat scan in the morning to rule out any other problems. He also decided to change my med to Abilify. I don’t think I will have the chance to try it because when I called to see how much it would cost to fill the prescription, I was told it would be 474.94. We are in our bridge on our insurance (where the insurance does not pay until you spend a preset amount) so insurance isn’t paying any of that. Lovely. Now I can’t afford the meds.
My doctor also suggested I find a psychiatrist and possibly inpatient services. I can’t afford my prescriptions so I certainly can’t afford inpatient. Besides, I have children at home and I have to be here to take care of them. Hubby called my doctor to ask for an alternative and he is supposed to talk to him after he returns from lunch.
I feel like I am a big burden.
{ April 2, 2008 @ 6:47 pm }
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{ Tags: a, am, and, anything, anywhere, ask, asks, atlas, Banks, Bay, beach, change, Chesapeake, coast, confused, Daytona, don't, east, First, Florida, get, go, Gulf, have, he, him, his, hubby, I, in, including, is, know, like, look, looking, me, mind, necessarily, No, not, of, on, only, other, Outer, Pensacola, places, rather, replies, say, says, side, so, stay, stuff, summer, tells, The, Then, There, think, this, Time, tired, to, travel, up, want, wasting, We, what, when, where, why, with, wonders, would, wrong, you }
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Hubby asks me to look up places to stay when we travel this summer. First he asks me to look up the Outer Banks, then he tells me anywhere there is a beach including Florida. When I say Pensacola he says, “No, not in the Gulf. On the other side, like Daytona.” Then he says he would rather go to Chesapeake Bay. I say, “So you want me to look up the Outer Banks?” Then he says not necessarily the Outer Banks — anywhere on the east coast. I ask, “Where?” He replies, “I don’t know. Get the atlas and look.”
And he wonders why I am confused and asks what is wrong with me…
I don’t think there is anything wrong with me. I am tired of wasting time looking up stuff only to have him change his mind.
{ March 28, 2008 @ 7:02 pm }
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{ Tags: 4, 7, a, after, always, am, and, answering, asks, because, calls, Can, do, doing, favor, five, for, from, get, hearing, hey, how, I, in, is, Lovely, me, meds, missed, mom, My, nephew, Never, night, No, of, old, or, phone, same, Saturday, sleep, sleeping, The, thing, tired, to, Tomorrow, watch, ya, year, you }
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Tomorrow is Saturday. My mom calls and asks me to watch my five year old nephew from 4 AM to 7 AM. No sleeping in for me after a night of no sleep because of missed meds. Lovely. I get tired of answering the phone and hearing the same thing. Never “hey” or “how ya doing”. Always, “Can you do me a favor?”
{ March 28, 2008 @ 4:45 pm }
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{ Tags: 9, am, and, at, away, better, but, Can, can't, constantly, could, crawling, day, deal, didn't, do, don't, feel, feels, gets, go, god, have, he, hold, home, hours, hubby, I, I'm, if, is, isn't, it, just, keep, knocks, Knowing, like, mad, make, me, med, medicine, mind, morning, My, night, not, occupied, out, probably, rambling, realized, right, seems, skin, so, something, take, Thank, that, The, Then, this, to, today, until, up, wait, which, why, with, without, woke, working }
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I woke up this morning and realized right away that I didn’t take my medicine. Knowing that the med knocks me out (which is why I take it at night) I could not take it so I have to deal with the day without it. My skin feels like it is crawling and I have to have something to do constantly so I don’t go mad. I have to keep my mind occupied so if it seems like I’m rambling then I probably am. Thank god hubby isn’t working but 9 hours today.
I can’t wait until he gets home so he can just hold me and make me feel better.
{ March 27, 2008 @ 7:39 pm }
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{ Tags: a, and, any, April, as, be, been, bill, boss, but, can't, coming, could, days, do, don't, DVD, even, feeling, finish, for, from, G, glum, happened, has, have, he, him, I, I'll, I'm, I've, if, is, it, it's, just, know, long, me, month, My, myself, not, of, off, on, one, or, our, out, over, pictures, putting, quite, really, right, seem, snippy, so, something, songs, that, The, thing, those, to, today, together, trivial, vacation, videos, Well, will, working, worry, write, you, zoned }
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I’m just really zoned out today. It’s been a long one and it’s not that any thing has really happened, it’s just one of those days.
I’ve been working on putting together a DVD from our vacation pictures and videos and the songs just don’t seem quite right but I can’t worry myself over something so trivial. It will just have to do.
G is ill and not feeling well today so he is coming off as snippy. You know, I really don’t know if it is him or me. It could just be me. I’m so glum that I can’t even write. I’m off to bill my boss for the month of April and finish my videos.
{ March 26, 2008 @ 6:01 pm }
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{ Tags: bipolar, psychotic, hallucinations, voices, Symbyax, sleep, I, it's, because, are, and, My, me, today, that, gets, on, his, about, She, has, been, how, money, can't, just, be, for, I'll, tell, you, to, do, as, her, The, have, in, so, get, a, it, is, bad, of, think, they, back, before, head, home, trying, mind, but, yet, I'm, going, crazy, dose, Then, which, was, prescription, 300, day, had, out, were, good, don't, or, didn't, all, what, does, calls, friend, at, with, let, keep, help, need, right, now, hubby, care, There, when, am, not, he, still, having, doctor, any, med, will, see, would, cost, told, We, our, bridge, insurance, pay, amount, Lovely, afford, ask, an, him, from, feel, Time, years, this, up, make, only, thing, doesn't, seem, better, keeps, down, Maybe, if, nice, know, through, say, says, No, looking, Alright, already, enough, days, life, Each, myself, mean, point, figure, some, that's, pick, went, kids, away, Yesterday, mom, year, old, night, missed, hearing, Never, Can, three, really, could, probably, even, month, great, trip, best, part, reconnecting, being, again, daily, grind, getting, ugly, found, not a, past, upped, pocket, next, refill, into, guess I, roller, coaster, Who, knows, appointment, truck, uglier, periodontist, revealed, teeth, fixed, between, $8, 000, $10, Oh, payment, plan, daddy's, burial, taken, Eventually, lose, gum, disease, simply, cannot, treatment, rid, love, swear, kill, live, freak, suicidal, seeking, ends, fine, increase, issue, gone, Doc, episode, pretty, common, dealing, stress, disorder, 1, features, basically, means, hallucinate, hear, vary, homicidal, occur, Add new tag, worse, stupid, song, December, everything's, gonna, Surely, sit, typing, post, test, done, nobody, hadn't, school, She's, drove, herself, hour, fucking, got, book, mail, memory, dad, reminds, Governor, Bredesen, answered, letter, guess, resend, originally, charged, attempted, murder, plead, aggravated, assault, man, caught, molesting, granddaughter, niece, hit, coffee, mug, leaving, coma, died, probation, infant, two, later, charges, dropped, heart, attack, Whoopdeedoo, terminally, nearly, jail, release, house, arrest, passed, light, circumstances, surrounding, dad's, conviction, pardon, name, removed, convicted, felons, list, deserve, Darn, email, laptop, sister, copy, else, redraft }
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The good…
I had a great trip. I think the best part was reconnecting with an old friend.
The bad…
Just being home again and being back to the daily grind of just getting through each day.
The ugly…
I found out my hallucinations are not a thing of the past. I would say I need my dose upped some but the prescription is $300 a month and I will have to pay that out of pocket for the next refill because we’re into the bridge on our insurance. I guess I am looking at going back on the med roller coaster. Who knows? My appointment was yesterday but I missed it because we had to pick up the truck.
The even uglier…
My trip to the periodontist revealed that to get my teeth fixed will cost between $8,000 and $10,000. Mind you, that’s money I don’t have. Oh they have a nice payment plan but I am still trying to figure out how to get daddy’s burial taken care of. So what does it mean for me? Eventually I will lose my teeth to gum disease because I simply cannot afford the treatment to get rid of it. As if I didn’t just love myself enough already…
I swear, if my life gets any better I’ll have to kill myself to live with it. Before you freak out, I’m not suicidal at this point. I have told my doctor about my hallucinations and I am seeking help…again. Yet again. It never ends.
Let me say at this point that Symbyax is great. I would probably do just fine with a dose increase. The only issue I have is my hallucinations have not gone away. Doc says it’s a “psychotic episode” and it’s pretty common when dealing with the amount of stress I have. The issue is that I don’t just have bipolar disorder. I have bipolar 1 disorder with psychotic features. Psychotic features basically means I hallucinate and hear voices. My hallucinations vary from homicidal to suicidal and even occur when I feel I am having a good time. Maybe I am just crazy. I really don’t know.
Then again, this year just keeps getting worse and worse. It just doesn’t seem to let up. I keep hearing this stupid song in my head…..”If we make it through December, everything’s gonna be alright”. Surely next year can’t be any worse. I just don’t see how it could…but then again.
As I sit typing this post, hubby calls to tell me my mom is having a stress test done right now and nobody went with her. If the kids hadn’t been out of school I would have went. She’s been up all night with no sleep and drove herself an hour away. Lovely. Just fucking lovely.
I got a nice book in the mail in memory of my dad today. Which reminds me that Governor Bredesen still has not answered my letter. I guess I need to resend it. What letter, you ask? My dad was originally charged with attempted murder but plead down to aggravated assault for trying to kill the man he caught molesting his granddaughter (my niece).(He hit the man in the back of the head with a coffee mug, leaving him in a coma for three days.) He died on probation for it. The man was caught molesting a three month old infant two years later and charges were later dropped because he had a heart attack. Whoopdeedoo. My dad was terminally ill and nearly died in jail before they would release him to house arrest. He was still on probation when he passed away. In light of the circumstances surrounding my dad’s conviction, I am trying to get Governor Bredesen to pardon him so his name can be removed from the convicted felons list. He doesn’t deserve to be there.
Darn it all. The email was on my old laptop. I’ll have to email my sister and see if she still has a copy of it or else I will have to redraft it.
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