Posts Tagged ‘of’
{ April 22, 2008 @ 9:48 am }
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{ Tags: sleep, I, because, and, My, me, that, his, about, you, to, The, in, so, a, is, bad, of, they, was, too, out, around, or, all, with, when, always, he, still, having, go, see, would, told, them, him, from, years, up, only, down, ever, one, away, little, couldn't, old, 7, woke, could, found, into, light, usual, favorite, memories, father, 6, nightmare, owls, terrified, crept, hallway, spot, rocking, chair, kitchen, pain, sat, rocker, dark, lava, lamp, beside, crawled, lap, dream, reach, touch, afraid, asked, daddy, lie, frightened, reached, touched, disappeared, moment, hero }
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One of my favorite memories of my father is from when I was about 6 or 7 years old.
I woke up from having a nightmare about owls and I could still see them all around me. I was terrified so I crept down the hallway and found my father in his usual spot — in his rocking chair in the kitchen. He couldn’t sleep because of his pain so he always sat in his rocker in the dark with only the light from the lava lamp beside him.
I crawled into his lap and told him about my bad dream and all the little owls all around me. He told me to reach out and touch them and they would go away. I was too afraid. He asked me, “Would daddy ever lie to you?” Still frightened, I reached out and touched one and they all disappeared.
In that moment, he was my hero.
{ April 22, 2008 @ 9:17 am }
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{ Tags: $500, a, abilify, added, advise, again, almost, amitriptyline, and, away, before, both, but, changed, cold, conceiving, could, daughter, decision, depression, do, doctor, doing, Each, eat, Effexor, Elavil, end, ended, episode, few, for, had, hallucinate, hallucinating, hallucinations, hardly, have, hours, I, issues, it, just, Last, later, Let's, list, lithium, made, me, medications, months, My, nauseated, nightmares, not, of, on, or, other, over, Paxil, prescription, quit, right, second, shall, sleep, so, start, started, still, Symbyax, taken, that, The, them, Then, these, this, thrilled, to, took, Trazodone, turkey, up, vomit, wanted, was, We, week, Wellbutrin, what, when, which, with, within, working, Xanax, years, youngest, Zoloft }
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What medications have I taken over the years? Let’s list them, shall we?
I started with Zoloft. Zoloft made me hallucinate and have nightmares. I was changed to Elavil or amitriptyline which made me vomit for hours on end. Then I ended up on Paxil. I quit cold turkey (which I do not advise) just a few months before conceiving my youngest daughter.
When I had my second episode, I ended up on Effexor. Months later, Wellbutrin was added to that. I quit both of these cold turkey within a week of each other (Again, I do not advise doing this and my doctor was not thrilled with my decision.) and was so nauseated that I could hardly eat.
With my last episode, I started on Symbyax. Then Xanax was added so I could sleep. I was still hallucinating so the doctor wanted to start me on Abilify, but it was almost $500 for the prescription so I was changed to Lithium. Lithium took away the hallucinations right away and started working on the depression. I have sleep issues still so the doctor added Trazodone.
So…
Zoloft
Elavil
Paxil
Effexor
Wellbutrin
Symbyax
Zanax
Lithium
Trazodone
{ April 21, 2008 @ 1:00 pm }
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{ Tags: a, afternoon, am, and, anybody, around, at, barbecued, been, camper, campers, change, cleaned, couple, dealer, Everything, field, Friday, had, has, have, house, I, in, it, killer, like, lithium, looked, mowed, of, on, planted, radishes, Saturday, smoked, sprayed, Sunday, taking, taste, tastes, The, tilled, tired, to, today, up, We, weed, went, you }
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To anybody taking lithium…have you had a change in taste? Everything tastes like it has been smoked.
Friday afternoon we went to a camper dealer and looked at a couple of campers. On Saturday, we mowed the field and cleaned up around the house. On Sunday, we tilled, planted radishes, sprayed weed killer around the house and barbecued.
Today, I am tired.
{ April 10, 2008 @ 1:25 pm }
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{ Tags: a, across, and, are, back, bad, battery, been, before, Boo, both, but, by, camera, chance, charger, Chicago, come, coming, crazy, do, find, for, get, going, have, head, here, home, hope, I, I'm, I'm just rambling today because I am about to crawl out, in, is, it, line, mind, moving, My, new, occupy, of, over, pass, sister-in-law, so, something, storms, succeed, sure, The, they, think, to, today, tonight, trying, Unfortunately, use, won't, Yay, yet }
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The charger and battery for my new camera have both come in. Yay!
Unfortunately, storms are moving in so I won’t get a chance to use it today. Boo! Boo!
My sister-in-law is in Chicago and a bad line of storms is moving across. I think they are coming back tonight so I sure hope the storms pass by before they head back home.
I’m just rambling today because I am about to crawl out of my skin. I have been trying to find something to do to occupy my mind but have yet to succeed. I’m going crazy over here!
{ April 9, 2008 @ 3:10 pm }
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{ Tags: 300, a, abilify, about, all, always, am, and, answer, around, asks, at, be, been, brain, but, by, calls, capable, care, changed, children, ct, ct scan, daughter, day, didn't, do, does, don't, dose, doubled, expensive, family, for, Friday, friend, get, going, good, had, has, he, health, help, her, here, hubby, husband, I, is, issues, keep, Last, let, like, lithium, may, me, medical, mental, mg., Monday, morning, mother, My, need, not, now, of, oldest, on, or, ourselves, out, people, perfectly, phone, prescription, proceeds, Results, right, rule, scan, She, so, stop, Symbyax, take, taking, tell, that, The, Then, There, they, things, times, to, too, trying, Tuesday, tumor, twice, was, way, were, what, when, which, with, work }
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Last Friday they doubled my dose of Symbyax. Then on Monday they changed me to Abilify which was way too expensive so they changed my prescription to 300 mg. of lithium twice a day. On Tuesday morning I had a ct scan to rule out a brain tumor. (Results were good, by the way.) I don’t like to tell people around me about my medical or mental issues so I didn’t answer the phone all day. So what does my mother do? She calls my friend at work and asks her what is going on with me and then proceeds to tell her that she has been trying to get me to let her keep my oldest daughter to “help me out”.
What I need right now is for my family to stop trying to “help” and let my hubby and I take care of things ourselves. There may be times when I am not all here but my husband always is and he is perfectly capable of taking care of me and the children.
{ April 7, 2008 @ 6:26 pm }
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{ Tags: 474.94, a, abilify, afford, after, also, alternative, am, amount, an, and, any, are, ask, at, be, because, Besides, big, bridge, burden, called, can't, care, cat, certainly, chance, change, children, cost, decided, doctor, does, don't, feel, fill, find, for, from, go, hallucinations, have, having, he, here, him, home, how, hubby, I, I'm, in, inpatient, insurance, is, isn't, it, like, Lovely, lunch, me, med, meds, morning, much, My, not, now, of, on, other, our, out, pay, paying, possibly, prescription, prescriptions, preset, problems, psychiatrist, returns, rule, scan, see, services, so, spend, still, suggested, supposed, take, talk, that, The, them, think, to, told, try, until, wants, was, We, when, where, will, would, you }
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I’m still having hallucinations so the doctor wants me to go for a cat scan in the morning to rule out any other problems. He also decided to change my med to Abilify. I don’t think I will have the chance to try it because when I called to see how much it would cost to fill the prescription, I was told it would be 474.94. We are in our bridge on our insurance (where the insurance does not pay until you spend a preset amount) so insurance isn’t paying any of that. Lovely. Now I can’t afford the meds.
My doctor also suggested I find a psychiatrist and possibly inpatient services. I can’t afford my prescriptions so I certainly can’t afford inpatient. Besides, I have children at home and I have to be here to take care of them. Hubby called my doctor to ask for an alternative and he is supposed to talk to him after he returns from lunch.
I feel like I am a big burden.
{ April 3, 2008 @ 8:08 pm }
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{ Tags: am, by, crazy, creeping, do, going, good, have, here, how, I, is, just, left, lord, many, more, of, this, Time, years }
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Time is just creeping by. How many more years do I have left of this? Good lord, I am just going crazy here.
{ April 2, 2008 @ 6:47 pm }
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{ Tags: a, am, and, anything, anywhere, ask, asks, atlas, Banks, Bay, beach, change, Chesapeake, coast, confused, Daytona, don't, east, First, Florida, get, go, Gulf, have, he, him, his, hubby, I, in, including, is, know, like, look, looking, me, mind, necessarily, No, not, of, on, only, other, Outer, Pensacola, places, rather, replies, say, says, side, so, stay, stuff, summer, tells, The, Then, There, think, this, Time, tired, to, travel, up, want, wasting, We, what, when, where, why, with, wonders, would, wrong, you }
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Hubby asks me to look up places to stay when we travel this summer. First he asks me to look up the Outer Banks, then he tells me anywhere there is a beach including Florida. When I say Pensacola he says, “No, not in the Gulf. On the other side, like Daytona.” Then he says he would rather go to Chesapeake Bay. I say, “So you want me to look up the Outer Banks?” Then he says not necessarily the Outer Banks — anywhere on the east coast. I ask, “Where?” He replies, “I don’t know. Get the atlas and look.”
And he wonders why I am confused and asks what is wrong with me…
I don’t think there is anything wrong with me. I am tired of wasting time looking up stuff only to have him change his mind.
{ April 2, 2008 @ 4:51 pm }
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{ Tags: already, Alright, am, and, another, around, at, back, bad, because, bedtime, by, camera, day, days, drag, Each, enough, feel, figure, for, forward, Friday, go, good, guy, had, have, Hell, I, I'll, I'm, I've, in, is, it, it's, just, know, least, life, like, look, mean, minute, My, myself, news, nothing, of, one, only, out, pick, point, pointless, seems, sitting, sleep, so, sold, some, still, supposed, sure, taking, that's, The, There, things, think, through, Time, times, tired, to, trying, up, waiting, waking, wanting, way, what, when, working }
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Alright, already. I’ve had enough bad days. It’s time for at least one good day. I’m tired of waking up and only wanting to go back to sleep. I’m tired of sitting around waiting for bedtime. Hell…I’m just tired.
I feel like there is nothing to look forward to in life. Each day is just another I have to drag myself through and it seems pointless at times. I mean, what is the point? I’m still trying to figure it out, so I am back to taking things minute by minute and working my way back up to day by day.
I have had some good news. I think I sold my camera. I’ll know for sure Friday because that’s when the guy is supposed to pick it up.
I need to go take a shower. Maybe I will be more awake and focused after that…but I’m not counting on it.
{ April 1, 2008 @ 5:06 pm }
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{ Tags: sleep, I, it's, because, and, today, that, on, about, can't, just, anyone, to, do, as, The, have, in, get, a, it, is, of, back, but, too, day, out, don't, like, didn't, all, at, now, stop, hubby, not, he, any, see, much, We, talk, from, feel, Time, left, up, want, hard, anything, myself, went, soon, kids, away, anybody, separate, world, Yesterday, Memphis, ended, snapping, eat, place, picked, refused, crying, car, Thinking, acted, little, kid, throwing, tantrum, couldn't, totally, concentrating, write, takes, concentrate }
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I went back to sleep as soon as the kids left and all I want to do is sleep. It’s not that I didn’t get any sleep, I just want to sleep the day away. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to see anyone. I don’t want to talk to anybody. I just want to separate myself from the world.
Yesterday we went to Memphis and I ended up snapping at hubby because I didn’t want to eat at the place he picked. I refused to eat and ended up crying in the car. Thinking about it now, I acted like a little kid throwing a tantrum. But I couldn’t stop myself…
I feel totally out of it today and have a hard time concentrating on anything. I can’t write. It takes too much to concentrate on it.
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